CHAPTER TWENTY, HAIRY RISK TAKER, A NOVEL

As Hairy was flying to Tuvalu in his private jet, he began reminiscing about his relationship with Warren. They had a long standing friendship based on business. Warren was the second wealthiest man in the United States and owned the largest insurance company in the world, Berkshire Insurance. Hairy was the most famous high risk insurance agent in the world and had saved Warren’s bacon more than once. Even though Warren had a war clause exclusion in all his insurance contracts, he was afraid that Tuvalu’s “secret weapon” might not be defined as an act of war. Just in case, Warren wanted Hairy to arrange reinsurance and use his expertise to eliminate the risk. And Warren was concerned about the future of the United States for obvious reasons. More importantly, Warren did not want anything to disrupt his company’s  amazing record of 48 years of 19% annual growth!

When Hairy’s plane arrived at the Funafuti International Airport, it had to make several passes to wake up the natives who were napping on the runway. Natives often sleep on the runway to avoid their hot, overcrowded houses. The average year round temperature is 85 degrees, both day and night. After the runway was cleared, the plane landed and pulled up to the terminal building. 

The Governor General, Lakopa Italeli,  met Hairy and took him to the Government bldg.  

                                                   

                            

After enjoying a meal of coconut crabs, they got down to discussing the declaration of war.

                                                             To be continued....   

CHAPTER NINETEEN, HAIRY RISK TAKER, A NOVEL

Chief Ololiuhqui was happy with the Governor’s offer of Obama Care for all the Indians and a proper holiday honoring Chief Sitting Bull. After Hairy and he smoked the peace pipe (a fine cigar) Hairy and his mule started back down the mountain. He was about half way down when his satellite phone started ringing. Hairy was surprised to see on his caller I.D. screen that the caller was his old friend, Warren Buffet. “Hello Warren, how can I help you?’ Warren said, “I think you are the only person in the world that can help me.” Hairy said, “Thanks for the complement but tell me what’s happening.” Well, to begin with the President has managed to piss off all our, ‘used to be’, allies and completely screwed up the launching of his Health Care program. And he has managed to increase the federal debt ceiling which puts us in danger of future bankruptcy.” Hairy said, “Yeah, I know all about that stuff but its old news. Tell me what’s really got you riled up.” Warren said, “Okay, but you had better sit down on your mule before I tell you the shocking news.”

Hairy said, “ I’m ready. Go ahead.” Warren said, “A country has declared war against the United States!” “Holy shit; who is it?”  “The name of the country is Tuvalu and their Capital city is Funafuti.” Hairy said, “Never heard of em. Where they located?” “It is a tiny island country located in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.” Hairy said, “That doesn’t sound like much of a threat. Do they have an army, a navy, and an air force?” Warren said, “They have a police department, a fishing boat, and a runway that hasn’t been used since WW2.” “So what’s the problem”, said Hairy. Warren said, They claim to have a secret weapon which will destroy America if we don’t give in to their demands.” Hairy said, “So you want me to go over there to see what demands they have and try to find out what their secret weapon is, right? Warren said, “You got it. I knew I could count on you”

To be continued…

                              

                            Sunset on Fongafale island, Tuvalu.

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN, HAIRY RISK TAKER

Hairy took the Chief's demands back to the Governor for his consideration. The Governor said, “Let’s see if I understand all the demands of that crazy Indian: He wants me to ratify an 1852 treaty granting the Cahuilla control of their lands. He wants the state of California to pay reparation to all the California Indians because they were denied their right to vote from 1924 until 1953. He wants me to declare a holiday honoring Chief Sitting Bull. And if I refuse his demands, he will blow up a mountain, causing an earthquake which will dump Los Angeles into the Pacific Ocean. Does that about cover it?” Hairy said, “Yes, you’ve got it.” The Governor said, “I don’t have the authority to do all of that. I thought he just wanted the old treaty ratified. I think I can do that.”

Hairy said, “Here’s my suggestion. You tell the Chief that you will give free health care to all the Indians and it will be guaranteed by President Obama. This is a huge gift that more than makes up for the temporary loss of voting rights and the double cross on the old treaty. Then, you declare a bull shit Holiday declaring Sitting Bull a hero to all the Indian Nations.” The Governor exclaimed, “My God, Hairy, that is absolutely brilliant! Do you think the Chief will be satisfied with that offer?” Hairy said, “I think so, especially if I go back with more whiskey and cigars to make your offer.”

To be continued…

“I do not wish to be shut up in a corral. All reservation Indians I have seen are worthless. They are neither red warriors nor white farmers. They are neither wolf nor dog."_ Chief Sitting Bull

                                                           

                                                                       CHIEF SITTING BULL

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN, HAIRY RISK TAKER

                                  CHIEF OLOLIUHQUI

The next morning, after all the whiskey was gone, Hairy taught the Chief how to tap dance and the Chief taught Hairy how to do the war dance. Then, Hairy asked the Chief, “Do you have any other reservations about negotiating with the Governor of California?” The Chief replied, “Yes, there is a condition that must be met before I will consider any proposal.” Hairy felt he was making progress so, he said, “What is it?” The Chief said, “California effectively denied the right of Indians to vote until 1953. This was a travesty, considering the fact that the Federal Citizenship Act of 1924 granted voting rights to Indians. Because of this illegal discrimination, the State should pay some reparation to Indians.” “Wow, Chief, you learned your history at Harvard” said Hairy.

“Speaking of history”, said the Chief, “there is a great Indian warrior, by the name of Chief Sitting Bull, who deserves to be honored with a holiday. He is much more deserving than Columbus”. Hairy said, “What did he do?” Chief Ololiuhqui explained, “He defeated General Custer in 1876 at the Battle of Little Bighorn.” “Why is that a big deal”, asked Hairy. “I will tell you,” said the Chief. “Custer was an Indian killer who was the personification of evil. He, unjustly, raided small villages and killed women and children. He was famous for his ill-treatment of Native American Tribes. He was a murderous no good dirty puke! He got his comeuppance when Sitting Bull’s warriors massacred Custer and his 700 soldiers. Sitting Bull deserves a national holiday!" Hairy said, “You are setting some very tough terms but I will see what I can do."  

To be continued…

             

 

CHAPTER SIXTEEN OF HAIRY RISK TAKER

Hairy brought in a box of fine cigars and a case of premium whiskey. Then, he sat down on the bear rug and said, “I hope we can smoke cigars as if they are a peace pipe and drink whiskey until we reach an amicable agreement.” Chief Ololiuhqui said, “Well, I have some reservations.” As he poured two glasses of whiskey, and handed one plus a cigar to the chief, Hairy said, “I am not surprised that you have reservations. Tell me about them”. The Chief said, “This is the white man’s holiday, Columbus Day. Indians hate this holiday! Columbus brought Europeans with diseases that decimated the natives. Then, the Europeans conquered the weakened natives and stole their land. Indians consider Columbus to be more evil than Hitler. The people who followed the explorer to America are guilty of something worse than the Nazi Holocaust.”

 

Hairy said, “I apologize for picking a bad day to negotiate with you. I didn’t realize that this is Columbus Day. Let’s just sip this good whiskey and become friends. When the ‘holiday’ is over, I will make my proposal for your consideration.” The Chief said, “The white man has broken his promises to the Indians so many times, it is difficult for me to trust you; but I will listen to what you have to say. Google says that you are an honest and trustworthy man. I understand that you are a world class tap dancer. Tomorrow, when the whiskey is gone, I will teach you the Cahuilla Indian War Dance. Hairy said, “Hey, that sounds great! By the way, I have a difficult time pronouncing Ololiuhqui. May I use your first name? “Yes, no problem. It is Chavatangakwunua. You may call me Chavat”, replied the Chief.

To be continued…

HAIRY RISK TAKER, A NOVEL

                           CHAPTER      FIFTEEN  






                                                            

                      
        
Hairy, who was a quick study, had a high IQ, and a photographic memory, used Google to learn the language of the Cahuilla Indians and their system of smoke signal communications. He built a fire behind the hotel, took a blanket from the bed in his room and sent a message to Chief Ololiuhqui, “I have whiskey and cigars and wish to have powwow. Where can we meet?” Using smoke signals Chief Ololiuhqui replied, “Meet me at the stone hut at the summit of San Jacinto Mountain Peak”.

Using his room blanket and the smoke from the fire, Hairy replied, I will be there in 12 hours. See you then.”

Hairy and his pack mule took the shortest route up to Mt. San Jacinto. It was a steep trail that climbed 4,600 feet in 6 miles. By climbing relentlessly, he made it in 12 hours. After tying up his pack mule, he entered the hut and was pleased to see the chief sitting on a bear skin rug. Hairy said, “How” in the language of the Cahuilla. Chief Ololiuhqui said, “Don’t give me that shit. Let’s speak English. I graduated magna cum loud from Harvard. Where is the whiskey and cigars?" Hairy said, "Well, excuse me! I will bring them in and we can get started."

To be continued…
                                        

CHAPTER FOURTEEN OF HAIRY RISK TAKER

A view of the San Jacinto Mountains, in Cahuilla territory. 

After some preliminary investigation, Hairy determined that it was not illegal Mexicans who planned on starting an earthquake by blowing up the San Jacinto mountain peak. It was the Cahuilla Indians who have lived there for 2000 years. They held a grudge that went back to the time when California refused to ratify an 1852 treaty granting the Cahuilla control of their lands. Chief Ololiuhqui, leader of the Cahuilla Mountain Band, was known for a powerful clairvoyance whenever he became intoxicated with firewater. After an all night bender, he announced to his tribe that it was time to get even with the nuts and fruitcakes of California. He said, "We will dump their biggest city into the Pacific Ocean! Then, once again, we will have some peace and quiet in our land."

Hairy set up a meeting with the Governor and the director of the Earthquake Authority. He said, "your only hope is to ratify that old treaty. If you don't, you can kiss the city of Los Angeles goodbye. The Governor said, "I can not do that without the approval of the State Legislature and that is going to take a long time. Hairy said, "Get started and do the best you can. In the mean time, I will take a pack mule, loaded with bourbon, into the mountains for a pow wow with Chief Ololiuhqui. Hopefully, I will be able to convince him that the ratification of the treaty of 1852 is going to happen. With enough bourbon, I should be able to change his clairvoyance so that he will believe me. Wish me luck!"