CHAPTER FOURTEEN OF HAIRY RISK TAKER

A view of the San Jacinto Mountains, in Cahuilla territory. 

After some preliminary investigation, Hairy determined that it was not illegal Mexicans who planned on starting an earthquake by blowing up the San Jacinto mountain peak. It was the Cahuilla Indians who have lived there for 2000 years. They held a grudge that went back to the time when California refused to ratify an 1852 treaty granting the Cahuilla control of their lands. Chief Ololiuhqui, leader of the Cahuilla Mountain Band, was known for a powerful clairvoyance whenever he became intoxicated with firewater. After an all night bender, he announced to his tribe that it was time to get even with the nuts and fruitcakes of California. He said, "We will dump their biggest city into the Pacific Ocean! Then, once again, we will have some peace and quiet in our land."

Hairy set up a meeting with the Governor and the director of the Earthquake Authority. He said, "your only hope is to ratify that old treaty. If you don't, you can kiss the city of Los Angeles goodbye. The Governor said, "I can not do that without the approval of the State Legislature and that is going to take a long time. Hairy said, "Get started and do the best you can. In the mean time, I will take a pack mule, loaded with bourbon, into the mountains for a pow wow with Chief Ololiuhqui. Hopefully, I will be able to convince him that the ratification of the treaty of 1852 is going to happen. With enough bourbon, I should be able to change his clairvoyance so that he will believe me. Wish me luck!" 

                                           

                                    CHAPTER THIRTEEN
The Santa Jacinto Mountains on the left are right on the San Andreas Fault line on the right


On the way back to Chicago from Syria, Hairy got a satellite phone call from Dick Shaking, the director of the California Earthquake Authority. Hairy said, "what's up Dick? Dick said, "We got some serious shit going on and we need your help. Hairy said, "Be more specific and tell me what is happening". Dick said, "The NSA intercepted a phone call between two Mexican illegals who live in the Santa Jacinto Mountains. The crazy bastards are planning to set off an explosion in the Mountains that will cause a devastating 10.9 magnitude earthquake!" Hairy said, "my goodness, that's big enough to drop Los Angeles into the Pacific Ocean".

Hairy flew  his private jet out to the city of Santo Jacinto and booked a room at the Hampton Inn. He met Dick Shaking in the hotel bar. After ordering a Scotch and water, he said, "All right Dick, tell me what has to be done." Dick said, " first of all, we need you to arrange some reinsurance so our Earthquake Insurance fund doesn't go bankrupt if the quake occurs. But more importantly, we hope you can tap dance on these crazy bastards before they blow up the mountain".  Hairy said,"the reinsurance is easy to arrange but finding these guys is going to be difficult. Fortunately, I am an expert mountain climber. Have you figured out their motive for getting rid of Los Angeles?"  

To be continued... 

                                                   

HAIRY RISK TAKER, A NOVEL

                                                        CHAPTER TWELVE

                                

            Syrian Army Fighters Run To Avoid Snipers                  THE TANGO

                                                         

When the Church Lady and Hairy arrived in Damascus, they were bewildered by the wars within the war. It was impossible to figure out who was on whose side. The Jihadist were against everybody, The Islamic State in Iraq (ISIS) was against the Free Syrian Army (FSI) and they were against the Assad Government Regime. Fighting amongst the groups had become so confusing that a ceasefire was declared in order to figure out who should shoot who!  Hairy asked the Church Lady, “What do you think we should do?” She answered, “Maybe we should ask God for some help. He has dealt with these people in the past. In Isaiah 37:36 it says, The Angel of the Lord went out to the Assyrian camp and killed 185,000 Assyrian soldiers.” Hairy said, “Let’s make that our plan B. First I would like to try something a little less extreme.”

                                                     SCROLL DOWN

Hairy rented a large auditorium and invited all the leaders of the various groups to a dance performance. Because of the temporary ceasefire, they were bored and wanted some entertainment. Consequently, they all showed up. Hairy brought in the best Tango musicians from Argentina and rented some costumes for the Church Lady and him. Their performance was breathtaking! It exemplified the communion of the female and male form with a rare passion, exuberance, style and sensuality. It was a wonderful expression of human love and emotion. Their flair and skillful, artistic talent brought the audience to their feet. After a long deafening applause, Hairy turned to the audience and said, “It is better to make love than to make war!!” The audience screamed their approval and vowed to never again make war.  

To be continued...                                      

CLICK PICTURE TO ENLARGE

                   

HAIRY RISK TAKER, A NOVEL

                                       CHAPTER ELEVEN                            

                                     
                                                   Syrian Army

After settling things in Greece, Hairy was anxious to get back home but NSA contacted him with another mission request. It seems that the President of the United States made a fool of himself, over and over again, by drawing lines in the sand about the problems in Syria. Syria was involved in an unending war between two tribes, the Shia Alawites and the Sunni Muslims. They disagreed about how Muhammad flew to Jerusalem to visit King Solomon’s temple. One side said he rode a winged horse and the other side said he rode a winged camel. The President was concerned about the war crimes being inflicted on the people. The straw that broke the camel’s back was the use of a horrible poison gas that consisted of concentrated body odor of Muslim women who wore heavy black clothing in the desert heat and did not take baths.

Hairy did some research on Syria’s lack of a moral and ethical value system and discovered that the Fertile Crescent, where they are located, is in an evolution “Bermuda Triangle”. Even though they were the cradle of civilization in 10,000 BC, they have not evolved like the rest of the world. They are still a Neolithic culture made up of ancient tribes that have no morals and no ethics. Their inner neural mechanisms still function as if they were cave men! Hairy said to himself, “Walla Walla Washington and Boise Idaho! This is a problem beyond tap dancing. I am going to need the help of Nancy, AKA the Church Lady. She can not only tap dance, She can do the tango.”

                                      To be continued…

HAIRY RISK TAKER, CHAPTER TEN

    

THE SUPER HERO, "NUMBER WOMAN" AKA JENNY REUM, CPA, AND HAIRY'S NIECE.

Hairy's Friends, Bill Gates, Warren Buffett, and Larry Ellison agreed to underwrite the cost of the Greece Insolvency Insurance, but only if Number Woman was in charge of the financial affairs of the Greek Government. As a favor to her uncle, she agreed to accept the job. In order to save his country from imminent bankruptcy, President Karolos I. Poopuponya agreed to the terms of the bail-out. That took care of  Hairy's step one. Step two was eliminate the Greek "sport" of tax evasion. For this step, Hairy used Google's sophisticated software to identify all the tax cheats. Then, he hired Bill Koch to call on each one with his baseball bat. After the first couple of visits, whenever the tax cheats saw bill parking his Toyota truck and camper trailer out front, they quickly sent in their delinquent taxes. That took care of step two.

Steps three and four would be handled by Number Woman. Greeks were emotional and irresponsible. She was not! Number Woman preferred to live in an orderly world in which reason trumps emotion every time. Also, she was scrupulously honest. Her organized, systematic method of accounting would eliminate all political corruption. And her strong ethics would make sure the budget is balanced. Her logical and objective decisions would quickly straighten out the Greek Government. Using her Lasso of Truth, Number Woman would bring justice, love, peace, and sexual equality to Greece!! Once again, Hairy's fancy dance steps saved the world. 

To Be Continued...

  

 Greek Parliament.

      
 

            

CHAPTER NINE

BIKER BILL ON MOTO GUZZI IN GREECE

 NSA'S Secret agent in Greece was William Elston, AKA Biker Bill. Posing as an American touring Greece on a motorcycle, he joined Hairy at a local  Kafeneos.                                                           

Over coffee, they discussed Hairy's new mission. Biker Bill said that NSA analysts were convinced that Greece is going to default on its debt. When that happens, there will be a massive drop in stock markets from the U. S. to Japan, and all across Europe. NSA wanted Hairy to come up with a plan to avoid this disaster. Hairy said, "Coming up with a plan would be easy but implementing it would be extremely difficult. Biker Bill said, "If anyone can do it, it would be the famous Hairy Risk Taker. What's your plan?" Hairy outlined his plan: Step one, design an insurance plan that guaranteed the debtors that they would be paid. Step two, eliminate the Greek "sport" of tax evasion which is costing the government 30 billion Euros per year. Step three, eliminate Political Corruption which is costing another 30 billion Euros per year. Step four, reform the government so that it quits spending more than it takes in. Biker Bill said, "How, in the name of Zeus can you do all of that when the Greeks are corrupt, hedonistic, cunning, lazy, immoral and sinful. Hairy replied, "It will take some fancy tap dancing, but I can do it!!

To be continued...

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HAIRY RISK TAKER, A NOVEL

                                                        CHAPTER EIGHT


                                                Hairy's Favorite Ouzerie  In Athens

After a 3 point landing at the Athens  Airport, George and Hairy checked into the Ava Hotel which is only a short picturesque walk to Hairy's favorite Ouzerie in the Plaka. They were in the neighborhood of Greek Gods next door to the Acropolis,  Sitting outside at the Ouzerie. They were drinking Ouzo with a Greek Philosopher and Each time they drank a glass of Ouzo, they had to recite a philosophical quote. Hairy knocked one back and said, "Know Thyself!"  George knocked one back and said, "Well begun is half done."  Their friend the philosopher knocked one back and said, "Shit happens!"  Hairy asked George, "Do you speak Greek?" George replied, "Of all the languages, Greek is the one I intended to speak, but in Peloponesia, I suffered amnesia, and now I only speak Greek last week!

After several more rounds of Ouzo with philosophy chasers, things got a little blurry. Kefi, a feeling of glowing happiness, overtook them and they began to dance and sing. A crowd gathered to listen to George recite his extensive repertoire of dirty limericks. His final recitation received boos so he went back to the booze. "There once was an amorous Greek, Whose love-making style was unique, He preferred to make whoopee, While dressed up as snoopy, Even though it impaired his technique." Hairy said, "Tomorrow, when I am sober, I have to check in with NSA's local secret agent. They have an important mission for me to complete here in slippery Greece!"

                                                
To be continued...